Many of you have commented on my recent lack of blog posts. Truth be told, I haven't been blogging because, well, I don't really know what to say.
It has been a month. A whole month since my most recent miscarriage. I still don't really know what to say. It hurts--more than words can say. Dealing with this loss brings back the other two so vividly. It makes me tear up when I look at Shay, wondering if she will be my last baby. It makes me re-evaluate my relationships, my time, my life. And even when I am actively "not dealing with it," trying purposefully to put it all aside and move on with everyday things, it lurks there, this huge hurt that just rises up and swallows me whole the minute that there is a break in conversation or a second where I'm not busy, with my mind actively focused on something else.
The last month has really shown me how many wonderful people I have in my life. Many of my local friends have brought over meals, volunteered to babysit the girls, sent beautiful, handwritten, heartfelt letters expressing their love for me, Ben, and the girls. Emails have flooded in, all expressing our friends' genuine sorrow at our loss. (Side note--I know I haven't written back to most of you. That doesn't mean it isn't deeply appreciated; it just means that it's still a little too hard to put into words. I love you.) One dear lifelong friend even volunteered to drive to Indianapolis just to give me a hug. Countless friends have cried and prayed with us.
I am more grateful than words can say for this outpouring of love. The last month has truly shown me the strength of our relationships. Alternately, it has also shone a spotlight on some relationships in my life where that love, empathy, concern, and support are most definitely lacking.
I manage to stay steady most of the time. I've gotten so used to going about my daily routine that I can block the sad thoughts then. But the smallest things bring it all flooding back. Like the other night, when I was reading Bryn her bedtime Bible story, and I got all choked up and could hardly make it through the story of Hannah. Or when I led my high school small group last week, and couldn't help but notice all the other leaders who were holding their newborns and foster children. Not to mention that five of my dearest local friends are all pregnant right now. I am so incredibly happy for each of them individually, but I can't let myself get too close to the thought that in a few months, they will all have babies and I won't. It's not that I begrudge them their babies in any way; it's just that I wish I was "in the club" too.
On top of all of this, I am busier at work that I have ever been in my life. Teaching three new courses, one of which is an AP, at a rigorous college-prep school, with no time in the summer to have prepared, is really taking its toll on me. It's all I can do to just keep up; getting ahead is laughably out of the question. I do love my job, and overall I would say that I'm glad I went back to work, but my heart just aches for my girls. I miss them so much. Especially in this hard time, I just want to be with them and cuddle and love them, and the fact that the busyness of my everyday life keeps me away from them is almost unbearable. Add to that the intense traveling and over-scheduling of our weekends, and I just feel like I'm being worn very thin.
Reading over this, I'm not even sure if I should post. I didn't mean to complain to all of you; I just meant to explain my absence from this site. It's funny, and kind of sad--I feel guilty for bringing other people down whenever I try to talk about how I'm really feeling. I don't ever know what to do or say anymore. I will try to get back into more regular posting, but you'll have to forgive me if it all continues to be rather surface-level for a while. I certainly don't want every post to be like this one, but I really have very little else to say, as this is all that's in my heart and my mind.
Love you, friends, and thank you for your support and prayers.